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amanda fine

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(no subject) [Oct. 11th, 2008|02:47 am]
[Current Mood |sorepain]
[Current Music |i miss you]

Two Midol and one Advil later, you had might as well call me "Bloody Mary". Not only does it feel like she is constantly stabbing me in my uterus, but you can see immense after effects. As redundant as the topic sounds, the pain is insane enough to never get old. And it all started with a bit of discomfort at -and i remember the time clearly- 2:04 in the morning. I woke up to toss and turn to toss and turn to toss and turn.....until I realized it was futile to try and shift positions anymore to ease this torment. I popped the pills and 44 minutes later, my back still feels like it's being stepped on my some sort of exotic and extrememly heavy animal. This is just rediculous! I should do a column for some silly teenage girl magazine like "Seventeen" and have it be called "Crazy Cramps", or maybe just "Hell". Nothing can satisfy me at the moment. I wish I could read, but I can't sit still. The only reason I can tolerate sitting here to type is because I'm in a swivel chair and can move constantly to stretch and pull and twist as needed.
Can I say hallelujah? Is it finally kicking in?! Or is my body just teasing with me again? I feel.....nothing. Well, at least close to nothing compared to having the burden of Hell thrust upon me just minutes ago.
My ear hurts.
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the beast [Sep. 12th, 2008|01:42 am]
[Current Mood |soresore]
[Current Music |i'm yours by jason mraz]

Well, I woke up at one in the morning thinking some beast had been knawing on my insides, feasting on me as if I were some midnight snack. It is times like these where I desperately wish to cry out "Curse you Eve!!!" I have taken the appropriate amount of appropriate drugs and yet still, about an hour later, my pain has only subsided a fraction. Earlier I took a little more than the required dose, and the result was a feeling of light-headedness and extreme sleepiness. I suppose that wouldn't be a bad idea now, given I would actually like to go back to sleep. But I can't help but wonder, what are these pills doing to me? Without them, I feel like I am inches away from death. My back feels like it has been kicked at by ninjas, my uterus feels like it has been wrung out like a wash cloth, my food wants to come back up, and all of this combined causes me to break out in a cold, unnerving sweat. I feel so dependent, especially since taking two of these miracles isn't enough. I have to overdose (by one pill, mind you) in order to feel more or less a numb feeling, where I don't feel pain but I still feel things going on. I also recall that many times I have said "this had better be worth it". The pain, that is. But I find it so funny that I say that. What if it isn't worth it? What can I do about it? I desperately hope it is worth it, but in reality, I have no control. As for what I want, I feel that I am destined to be a mother. Don't worry, I'm not one of those crazy teens who thinks that becoming a mother right now is the most brilliant choice in life. But I think that when the time is right, motherhood is my calling. So maybe this is the exchange, the price to pay. I suppose that my desire to be a mother is worth this nearly unbearable pain. Do you think it is funny that I am talking about being wanting to be a mother at my age? Sometimes even I have to laugh because my friends (possibly you who are reading this right now) hear me talk about it often. So anyways, sometimes being a girl sucks.
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web world wide [May. 31st, 2008|10:02 am]
[Current Mood |highhigh]
[Current Music |too marvelous for words by frank sinatra]

is it possible that all of these bad things have always been happening but we were just more ignorant before? after all we have the internet which could take us into the deepest darkest crevaces of someone's life, and the news is practically at the scene when the murder happens. when people say "back in my day these things never happened", how can they be certain? maybe they just didn't know of it. or maybe it is because of all these advances there are more tragedies!
anyways, it's summer! and that makes me happy.
so does talking to jorge for five hours.
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confessions [May. 26th, 2008|07:04 pm]
[Current Mood |draineddrained]
[Current Music |violet hill by cold play]

for breakfast i ate motzah brie (with jelly and syrup), for lunch i ate chinese food (though i guess that could count as healthy because it was authentic and good), half a donut, lemon cake, souplantation for dinner---but that's not the bad part. that came for dessert with a brownie and ice cream with caramel syrup on top, and when i got home the second half of my donut. my stomach hates me right now, and so do my thighs and waist. i love confessing! especially since i don't even regret eating all that. it tasted so good.
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Writer's Block: Whose part would you play? [May. 24th, 2008|10:28 pm]
[Tags|, ]

If you could be cast on any TV show, from any time, who would you play?
i would play a charlie's angel because i want to play someone badass but feminine at the same time. that's sort of my dream anyway. i want to be a dragon rider...x]
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i'm in the foothills of the headlands [May. 21st, 2008|08:55 pm]
[Current Mood |creative]
[Current Music |lucy in the sky with diamonds by the beatles]

this is going to be very brief. i just want to say a couple of things.
finals are coming up, and frankly, i'm nervous as hell (that sort of speech has been adapted from the catcher in the rye). but really, i am. i realized i don't know squat about math and i'm really losing it when it comes to spanish. i just want it to be over already. and i want to believe i will study. but so far, nothing! i'm just too excited for summer, as i should be.
and i really like this "carpe diem" idea. i mean, i guess i've been living it for the past year and a half, but messing it up about half of the time. it's not the same as just screwing around. it's having an idea and pursuing it with your HEART. that's what it's really about. but becareful of your heart, for sometimes it can be deceiving. though i have to admit i'm glad she ate the apple, just look at how eve turned out when she followed her heart. and if you don't know the story, woe to you!
so follow her down to a bridge by a fountain, where rocking horse people eat marshmellow pies...(vegetarian marshmellows)
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Writer's Block: Reacting to my bad mood [May. 16th, 2008|10:38 pm]
[Tags|, , ]

When you're having a bad day, how do you react?
i usually find a place where i can be alone to just think. once i get all of my thinking done, i figure out something to do that will make me happy. it depends what kind of mood i'm in. i'll either call a best friend, write in my journal, read the bible, read a good book, listen to music, draw....it all depends on why it was a bad day and what my perspective is when i realize i love life after all.
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here's to flirty fridays [May. 15th, 2008|07:58 pm]
[Current Mood |curiouscurious]
[Current Music |i want to hold your hand by the beatles]

I'm actually in the mood to write something that isn't so abstract that you can't understand what anything means. So get ready for something one fourth readable. On the other hand, maybe not.
I really love Fridays. Even going to school isn't so bad. Because after school is over, you can celebrate and procrastinate and have FUN no matter how bad the day was. And then, after even just an hour, it seems like you didn't even go to school. It's a lovely feeling. I'm looking forward to it, especially since I don't really have any plans for this weekend. But I do want to achieve some things, such as getting a library card, new shoes, read catcher in the rye, and have lunch with my cousin Cassidy. I also hope my mom will come with me to church on Sunday. I didn't go last time, and I would really like to go this week.
In English we started Dead Poets Society. I forgot how much I liked that movie. To be honest, I don't remember the exact ending of it, though I remember it being somewhat bizarre and sad. But I like movies like that. I love tragedies and I love romance. Comedies are amazing too, and so are mind thrillers. I'm not a fan of gore whatsoever. They just waste the precious time of living I have. I also get a kick out of picking the perfect movie for the mood I'm in. You know where you just FEEL like watching something and you pick a movie out and it is just PERFECT? I love when that happens. Today's movie did that for me, and I didn't even pick it out. And what is even cooler is that Laura and I now have permission to call Mr. Smith by his first name, Fritz---YES!!! we did before anyway, just not to his face.
I don't really feel like talking about all the academic things I did today, what I need to do tonight, or what is coming up in the future. I just want to go into a cave and read poetry and stories and hold hands with my boy, and even hug him. We hugged today, a real type of hug, though I thought it could've gone on for at least twenty more minutes. We'll get there some day.
I want to go and dance. But I don't want to do it by myself. I'm in the mood to get some friends together and dance. We could go out or we could be in a house. I really don't care. I just want some company to dance with.
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Amanda Prevails [May. 14th, 2008|06:24 pm]
[Current Mood |crazycrazy]
[Current Music |comptine un autreyann]

APs...are over. glory hallelujah. not that i stressed too much about them anyways. now i have to worry about finding a summer job, SAT2s, my fricken spanish essay, and finals. i hate school. i just want it to be over. if it weren't for my friends....i don't know what i'd do. go mad i suppose. who am i kidding? i'm already mad! muahahahaha. soooooo.....what should i write about? i certainly don't feel like writing anything formal. what should i have for dinner? my mom never figures out what to eat whenever she decides we need to figure something out until i say JUST PICK SOMETHING and provide a rationale. it's pretty funny, it always happens that way. soo want to hear me talk about my boy? well, i would like to hug him. and it seems that the only way we will hug is if i do it. he kind of admitted it, but don't think he is pathetic. he is amazing. but not amazing for you, amazing for me. i think i will hug him tomorrow. how many times have i said that? nike: just do it! well, he's really all i am thinking about, or rather, all i want to think about, so i don't have much else to say. god, am i hopeless or what? that's ok. i don't care. blahhh..
so today i stabbed my ap test and then burned it. a snake came and ate the ashes. it later pooped them out and then a dog came along and ate the poop. the dog mated with another dog and they produced a puppy. the puppy later drowned and i decided to eat the puppy. thus the ap test is inside of me. i think i may kill myself now. i'm just kidding. i'll wait till i poop and then put it in the microwave so it will explode. then i'll wipe it up with a napkin and mail it to india with directions to box it and anchor it down into the ocean, deeeeep into the ocean, where it will not be found for thousands of years, and by then it will have dissolved into nothing. brilliance!
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Writer's Block: Back in Time [Apr. 18th, 2008|05:17 pm]
[Tags|, ]

If you could travel in time, which era would you visit and why?
the 60's!
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