||[Sep. 12th, 2008|01:42 am]
|||||i'm yours by jason mraz||]|
Well, I woke up at one in the morning thinking some beast had been knawing on my insides, feasting on me as if I were some midnight snack. It is times like these where I desperately wish to cry out "Curse you Eve!!!" I have taken the appropriate amount of appropriate drugs and yet still, about an hour later, my pain has only subsided a fraction. Earlier I took a little more than the required dose, and the result was a feeling of light-headedness and extreme sleepiness. I suppose that wouldn't be a bad idea now, given I would actually like to go back to sleep. But I can't help but wonder, what are these pills doing to me? Without them, I feel like I am inches away from death. My back feels like it has been kicked at by ninjas, my uterus feels like it has been wrung out like a wash cloth, my food wants to come back up, and all of this combined causes me to break out in a cold, unnerving sweat. I feel so dependent, especially since taking two of these miracles isn't enough. I have to overdose (by one pill, mind you) in order to feel more or less a numb feeling, where I don't feel pain but I still feel things going on. I also recall that many times I have said "this had better be worth it". The pain, that is. But I find it so funny that I say that. What if it isn't worth it? What can I do about it? I desperately hope it is worth it, but in reality, I have no control. As for what I want, I feel that I am destined to be a mother. Don't worry, I'm not one of those crazy teens who thinks that becoming a mother right now is the most brilliant choice in life. But I think that when the time is right, motherhood is my calling. So maybe this is the exchange, the price to pay. I suppose that my desire to be a mother is worth this nearly unbearable pain. Do you think it is funny that I am talking about being wanting to be a mother at my age? Sometimes even I have to laugh because my friends (possibly you who are reading this right now) hear me talk about it often. So anyways, sometimes being a girl sucks.